For many of us, pregnancy and parenthood pushes us to our limits in regards to feeling out of control. Despite how much reading, learning, or preparation we may do, pregnancy is fraught with unpredictable events. For instance, a significant amount of women experience morning sickness and fatigue that interferes with their daily functioning in the first trimester. Some women end up being labeled “high-risk” due to the positioning of their placenta, a diagnosis of gestational diabetes, a predisposition to  preeclampsia, or even simply their age bracket. Pregnancy entails a time where our bodies are constantly evolving and we are vulnerable to various symptoms and conditions. This state requires quite a bit of radical acceptance. We can even envision and prepare for our ideal birth (practicing breathing techniques, remaining active with prenatal yoga, hiring a doula, etc.); yet, it is critical that we practice mental flexibility and the ability to accept plan “B” or “C” since our bodies and our babies can surprise us. The silver lining in all of this is that it does prepare us for parenting, which can also be unpredictable and require immense flexibility. The impacts of motherhood on our identities, careers, and personal lives can be profound. We can carve out intricate plans that must suddenly shift; thus, it is necessary to show ourselves the same kindness and grace others extend to us. So kick that perfectionism to the curb when you become aware of it and do your best to breathe through all of the change.

There is a barrage of advice you receive (often unsolicited) as soon as others realize you are diving into parenthood. While this may be well-intentioned, it can be equal parts overwhelming. It also makes it easy to engage in the unhealthy, yet common art of social comparison: you can begin questioning whether your diet is healthy enough for your baby, wonder whether you are getting enough rest, or question whether you are making the “right” medical choices (the decision fatigue present when preparing for a newborn is almost guaranteed). Most mothers have an innate desire to prioritize their children’s well-being. This can lead to feelings of regret or guilt when they perceive that they may not have done so or overlooked important factors. There can be immense pressure associated with feeling as though a fetus’ development relies on your lifestyle factors. Self-compassion is a imperative here- we must affirm that that doing our best can be enough, as things get missed even when we are giving it our all. So please be kind when reviewing what you are doing (or not doing) and remember that managing stress is just as crucial to your baby’s well-being as other lifestyle factors or decisions that you make.

One thing I hear all too often is that moms can do it all. And while this is generally true, should they have to? Not to take away from the importance of fathers and their roles, the reality is simply that the early stages of infancy rely heavily on the mother while others, including fathers, play a supportive role. Newborns’ heartbeats and temperature can be regulated by making direct contact with their mamas’ skin. They are familiar with the comforts of their mother’s womb so it is no wonder they continue be dependent on their mamas as their main source of security and support while transitioning to the outside world. That does not mean, however, that it is healthy or realistic for mothers to shoulder all of the responsibility on their own. Do your best to be communicative of your needs- coming up with a plan prior to birth considering that post-partum can be a hectic time. Ask your husband, parents, close friends, or other supportive persons to assist with specific tasks. You will have your hands full and it is absolutely natural to need others during this time. So often mothers take on excessive responsibility and attribute their increased stress or shifting state of mind to the new stage that they are in. While it is reasonable to expect certain changes, insomnia, excessive anxiety or depression, feelings of helplessness or feeling disconnected from others, including your baby, are warning signs that warrant your attention. Shame can prevent mothers from speaking out or seeking support, given the belief that they should be “grateful” or enjoying the bliss of being in their “baby bubble.” This is all the more reason why it is critical that these challenges are normalized and openly discussed. Start with the person who feels the most understanding (other new moms can be a great sounding board) and express what you are feeling out loud. This is a great starting point for establishing the indispensable support system that you deserve.

One thing that is constant throughout pregnancy and post-partum is change. Mothers’ hormones, bodies, and even their mental states are undergoing consistent and rapid shifts. This is why these are such highly sensitive periods that require understanding from us and those around us. Connecting with friends who have gone through or are going through similar experiences, joining support groups, and having candid discussions with partners or other caregivers can create necessary buffers to protect against the inevitable stress of this period. It is absolutely a joyous occasion that is incomparable to many other life events; however, that does not mean that it is without its challenges. Acknowledging these challenges does not take away from that, but rather can prevent the development of mental health conditions both perinatally and postnatally. We owe it to ourselves to accept that both realities can co-exist. Taking care of yourself, accepting your limits, and allowing others to help meet your needs will benefit you and your newborn. Remember mamas, it is okay to prioritize yourself and your needs every now and then in order to meet the demands of motherhood and preserve your well-being (for the sake of you and your growing family).

The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: https://mchb.hrsa.gov/programs-impact/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline

Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists: https://www.acog.org/programs/perinatal-mental-health/educational-resources-for-providers-patients-and-families

California Department of Health: https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CFH/DMCAH/Pages/Communications/Maternal-Mental-Health.aspx

Weiner, S., By, Weiner, S., Writer, S. S., & 5, Dec. (2023, December 5). The toll of maternal mental illness in America. AAMC. https://www.aamc.org/news/toll-maternal-mental-illness-america